13 December 6weeks 5 days

Bleeding, bright red. I ran out to put the car undercover as it started hailing. 20 minutes later I could feel warm discharge and checked to see bright red blood…just like last time. I’m trying very hard not to panic and to remind myself that the bleeding last time did not cause the miscarriage and that we still saw a healthy heartbeat…the miscarriage came later. Still, I’d love a boring pregnancy if I could get one.

**update**. Our first scan showed evidence of a vanishing twin, which we think was the cause of the bleeding.

 

Beta number 3…written 30 November.

1043. A doubling time of 33 hours and another small milestone crossed. Today I suddenly realised that my mouth was sore and that it had been sore since yesterday. I have an autoimmune disorder called lichen planus that affects my tongue and throat. I freaked out a little and posted on a secret Facebook group of well informed ladies who have all dealt with immune issues and pregnancy. They all felt I should be on prednisone. Now I had actually asked my doctor about prednisone prior to transfer and he had said that there is no research to back its usage. Anyway, I asked him again today and he agreed to prescribe it for me, which I am grateful for…. I’ve learnt to follow my gut and to advocate for myself and will not sit with any feelings of regret over being too shy to speak up. So I have taken 10mg of prednisone and sincerely hope this is enough to suppress any immune response that might be occurring. Tomorrow I have my second intrallipid infusion, which although not fun, is not too bad provided I charge my kindle and eat before I go. 

I hate HPT’S… written 26 November.

These were my HPT’S at 11dp5dt. First beta on 11dp5dt came in at 157 and second beta today was 383, which is a doubling time of 37 hours. So I processed a lot of emotion last week for seemingly no reason. Only time will tell whether or not this third pregnancy is the one that ends in a take home baby. I so hope so. 

Hpt craziness…written 25 November.

I’m driving myself absolutely  bonkers and sincerely wish I had never started this crazy hpt journey… what was I thinking???!!! Yesterday there was virtually no line…but it was my third or fourth pee of the day. This is today’s … third pee of the day as there was a fault with the test I used with my first urine (the control line didn’t even show up). BUT, the line didn’t show up immediately which freaked me out despite the fact that the test explicitly says to wait 5 minutes. Tomorrow I’m doing my first beta so hopefully this craziness will end soon. If I have slow rising betas again then I’m well and truly done. No more. 

I think we’re out…written 23 November.

As I said I would yesterday, I tested again this morning using first urine. There is a line but it’s super faint… more faint than yesterday. 

I know it’s early at only 8dp5dt but I think we’re out. I will now try to wait until Saturday to test again. What I want more than anything is black  or white… a clear negative or a clear positive. I don’t know if my soul can handle the trauma of slow rising betas, concerns around ectopic and Morula pregnancies.

How  do I feel? Today, I feel somewhat relieved. I’m not sure this will sustain and it’s very possible that the relief is just a way of defending against complete despair…who knows? Only time will tell. I am determined not to let this swallow me up and drown me though.  I’m beyond tired of being depressed and hopeless and of my life revolving around infertility. It’s time to stop. 

7dp5dt…written Tuesday 22 November.

Last transfer I tested at 7dp5dt by mistake. Well, not that I accidentally unwrapped a home pregnancy test and pee’d on it, more that I didn’t intend to, and did it in a very impulsive way. Regardless, the point is that I got a positive at 7dp5dt. Whilst I was planning on waiting until Saturday, my mom arrives tomorrow for 3 nights and I suddenly felt I wanted to know before she came. I woke up this morning with a bee in my bonnet and decided to test. The problem is I had already got up to do a pee an hour previously and so I knew my urine was very diluted. Nevertheless, I ploughed on.

After a minute the control line had shown up and there was nothing on the test line. Feeling pretty upset, I threw it away. About ten minutes later I decided to check just to be sure and so I fished it out of the bin…. and this is what it looked like:

By now I had left it a while and was worried that maybe the line was only there because it had been sitting. So next pee, I did another one, and got this:

Both very faint, but both there. But I am so irritated with myself. Because now I’m comparing…. to my previous 7 day positive test (last photo), which was a bit darker as well as to some fellow ladies who have also tested on day 7 and got a darker line. Grrrr…. I swore I wouldn’t do this! What is WRONG with me?? Anyway, now that I’ve started I won’t be able to stop. I plan on testing again tomorrow morning with first urine and hope that it will be somewhat darker and more reassuring. I also have the dilemma of whether or not to confess to my Husband!

The clexane battle continues… this is my stomach after last night’s injections!

Pretty hey!?

6dp5dt…written Monday 22 November.

This morning I had a completely mad moment. I’m currently on 2, 200ml uterogestane pessaries twice a day. I inserted my morning dose at 6.30 as normal. At 7.30, I went to put on a panty liner, but instead of doing that, I inserted two more pessaries… what the hell??!!! I tried to reverse it but ya… you can’t. I emailed my doctor and apparently it’s impossible to overdose on uterogestane and there’s no need to worry about it. This afternoon I had some light pink spotting and I was concerned that it was due to the uterogestane but the doc reassures me that it’s not and hopes that it is implantation bleeding.

Today I am feeling really tired despite having a good night’s sleep. My breasts are are bit tender and I am slightly queezy…but this could well be the double dose of progesterone. I’ve been having a few twinges in my uterus and am hoping those are good signs. Emotionally I’m doing OK, feeling pretty calm and peaceful. I hold onto the mental image of cells dividing and multiplying in a natural and healthy way… I love this image and it helps me to stay calm.

Last transfer I home tested on 7dp5dt and got a positive. However this time I’m planning on doing a home test on Saturday, which will be 11dp5dt. Our official beta is on Monday but I want to be at home with my husband and have a bit of time to process the result, so the weekend is better timing. I discussed this plan with my naturopath today and she supports it. If I get a positive on Saturday, she will send me the blood forms for a beta test. This means that if it is positive, Mondays test through the clinic will help us ascertain whether or not it is doubling… less waiting, yay!

Socialising is a bit tricky at the moment. I normally love my wine and so the fact that I’m not drinking is a bit of a red herring. Also, a lot of people have been asking me directly what our next step is and when we are doing it. I’m a terrible liar and have had to be very vague around the details and I’m not sure how convincing I’ve been! Oh well, whatever…this is really the least of my worries right now. 

4DP5DT…written Saturday 19 November.

The TWW wait is going OK.  I’ve been feeling calm and have been sleeping reasonably well…always a good indicator for me. The hardest part right now is the clexane Injections! Good lord! I had no idea what they would be like but it turns out that they burn like hell for about ten minutes and leave a bruise. I can actually tell how many days I’ve been taking it simply by counting my bruises. Leaning next to counters or trolleys is very sore. Oh well, nothing to be done and if it helps achieve a healthy pregnancy it’ll be all worth it. 

Today my husband and I were at lunch and I shared something that was on my mind. I know I’ve said that this is my last try but I’ve been wondering if I meant that. I think if it ends in miscarriage then I do, but if it simply doesn’t take and we get a negative result, I’d like to try again with the two frozen embryos we have. My  husband was delighted… he wanted the same thing but didn’t want to push me into another cycle if I wasn’t up for it. Yay for being on the same page!

1DP5DT…written 16 November.

We got news this morning that one embryo made it to day 6 and was frozen. This is the same outcome as our last cycle, the difference being that this cycle we used 8 eggs compared to 16 last cycle, making this cycle more successful. So we now have two frozen embryos and 8 eggs remaining…still hoping we don’t need them though. I’m feeling ok today, although some work frustrations have given me a niggly headache, grrrr.

Transfer day…written Tuesday 15 November.

Transfer  was booked for 11.30 today but we had to arrive at 10 for the atosiban drip. Everything went smoothly, although they ran an hour late and so my bladder was FULL. The doctor was actually horrified and emptied it a little with a catheter (ouch….it still stings to wee), repeating that he couldn’t believe I had managed with that full a bladder… lol, what can I say, women are just better at tolerating these things than men?! 

What was very nice was that our actual doctor did the transfer for the first time ever. There are four specialists at the clinic and they usually rotate days…We’ve just never been there for transfer on our doctors day. But today he requested that he get called down to do our transfer despite it not being his day, which I really appreciated. He knows how long a road we’ve travelled and it was nice to not be treated as a number. 

The transfer went very smoothly once my bladder was deflated a bit. Today, Day 5 we had 4 good looking blasts, three hatching. We transferred the two best and will know tomorrow whether or not the remaining two will be frozen. I really hope they will be although more than that, I’m hoping that we don’t need any more embryo transfers ever again. We even took photos for the first time ever because we’re convinced that we will never be going back into that room. 

I also did some other things this time around which I’ve never done before. I kept my feet nice and warm. I hear this is good for blood flow to the uterus. I also avoided ice cold water and only drank tea and warm water. I know this sounds odd but I’ve met a lovely massage therapist who also does Reiki. He offered to do distance healing for me…. I’m pretty sceptical but hey, can’t hurt right? He also really helped me to visualise positive outcomes and to get my own energy right, which I did, and felt very calm and peaceful… and even a bit optimistic. From transfer my husband and I went to my naturopath so that I could have acupuncture. This was great and I’m going back again on Tuesday. Now I am just chilling with a warm heat bag on my tummy, warm feet and pineapple ready for dessert! 

Tonight I will start baby aspirin and clexane and continue with the estropause, uterogestane and estradot every second day. (Update on the clexane….ouch, it burns). 

I really couldn’t do much more and am hoping that this is our cycle. Test day is scheduled for 28 November which is 13 days post 5 day transfer. I’ve queried this as it is longer than previous cycles, so we’ll see what they say.