So many thoughts and feelings…
Gratitude for the life I have
Grief for the life I don’t
So standing still, waiting for the way forward to become clearer.
So I’m at home today, taking a self imposed ‘mental health day’. I’ve been doing really well recently but yesterday and today have been a bit grim and I decided not to stuff it all inside and pretend I’m fine when I’m not. Instead, I cancelled work and have hired myself three movies and am snuggled on the couch with my two furbabies… Bliss.
Why the sudden decline? Bloody mothers day I think. In my opinion, mothers are the luckiest people just by virtue of the fact that they have their babies. Simple. I know that it’s complex. I know motherhood is hard work blah blah blah. I celebrate my own mother, I am truly grateful to her every single day. I love watching my sister and my friends turn into wonderful nurturing, mindful mothers. It’s great. But I think they’re all fucking lucky. And then they get a whole bloody day on top of that. And what do I get? Nada, zilch, niente…. Nothing. Not even a rose from the stupid restaurant we went to, because of course, I’m not a bloody mother. This despite being pregnant twice and spending more time, money, effort and emotion in the quest for a baby than any other person I know in real life.
So I’m feeling sorry for myself and I’m not even pretending that I’m not. No happy smile pasted on my face for me today… That wore thin on Sunday and has left me feeling irritable and exhausted. For today I will wallow and trust that tomorrow will shine brighter again.
Ps. I do have an amazing family and several wonderful people did acknowledge how I must be feeling on mothers day… This did ease the day somewhat and probably went a long way towards preventing me from making a scene in the restaurant over lack of said rose.
When I miscarried in July last year (for the second time, with donor eggs, after seeing the heartbeat of what turned out to be a chromosomally normal boy), I wanted to start trying again almost immediately. I remember emailing my specialist and asking him how soon I could try again. He very wisely suggested allowing a bit of time for emotional healing. So I headed his advise. In my mind I thought we would try again in February… You know, get over Christmas, allow some time for getting back into the swing of things and then get back on the (in) fertility train.
But the more time that passed the more utterly terrified and UNready I became. What if I miscarry again? I don’t know if my heart and soul can cope with that. And so I needed the next attempt to be very different and I needed to build confidence in my body again. To that end I have been pursuing a few different paths.
In about October last year I went to see a homeopathic doctor who specialises in fertility issues. My goal was to help my body be more balanced and healthy hormonally. When I went to her I was very fatigued, depressed, low in energy and my hormones were all over the show. Thanks to years of treatment I have put on 10kg’s and so I was also (and still am), fat. My goal was simply to balance my hormones and to feel more energetic and ‘normal’. Through talking with her I also realised that I would have a much greater chance of sustaining a pregnancy if my natural progesterone levels could be more normal to begin with. At the time I went to her, my fsh was low, estrogen very high and progesterone very low. My amh was 1.05. I was having 50 day cycles. She’s had me on Chinese herbs with acupuncture every two weeks and my recent blood results are NORMAL!
Normal estrogen, progesterone, fsh, a 30 day cycle and my amh has increased to 1.4. So this is amazing and I am thrilled. Of course I have fantasies of a miracle natural pregnancy, but I know that is unlikely. However, just being termed NORMAL for the first time has been amazing. I also have much better energy and my mood has improved a lot.
During this time I have also been doing a lot of reading and came to the conclusion that I most likely have a MTHFR gene mutation. I asked the homeopath to test me and so we ran some genetic tests. My instinct proved correct and I am homogenous for the MTHFR gene. I have moved onto different vitamins, folate instead of folic acid, avoiding any fortified foods and we’ve gone totally organic in our home and are doing the best with food (it’s just quite expensive to go totally food organic). I have been growing some of my own food as well which has helped.
Following on from my reading around MTHFR, I started reading about mercury poisoning in relation to amalgam fillings. My mouth has been a problem my entire life and definitely a story for another day. Regardless, I decided to have my mercury levels tested and they are waayyy high. So, later this month I will be starting a process of replacing all my fillings and then chelating the Mercury out of my body.
Needless to say, had I been pregnanct with mercury poisoning and an inability to absorb folic acid, my babies would have been at risk for all sorts of complications. I am sad that we didn’t find this all out sooner, but I am grateful that we have discovered it eventually.
The whole mercury issue will probably take about 6 months to resolve and in the meantime it is not recommended that I fall pregnant. So, my February start has been pushed back and will most likely be an October /November start. I’m ok with this. I want the best possible chance of a healthy pregnancy and if it takes a few more months… So be it. In the meantime I am going to use the time to try and lose some weight and continue with my Chinese herbs and acupuncture in order to keep my hormones nicely balanced. And then we shall see… Maybe we will use our remaining donor eggs, maybe we will try one more ivf cycle with my own eggs… Or maybe by some small miracle we won’t need to. We will have to wait and see… Something I have become somewhat of an expert at doing!