So today I am unashamedly going to use this blog to process something work/ relationship related that I really need to work through… and fast. It intersects with my experience of infertility. Some background:
I started working in a Psychology Centre as a Psychologist in 2010. In 2011, the owner, who was 40 and single, decided to have a baby through donor sperm and fell pregnant on her first go… yay for her. Anyway, because she had this real baby, her work baby started to become very neglected and things went from bad to worse until finally, in 2013, she sold the practice to myself and a colleague. My colleague has a VERY wealthy father and so bought 90% of the practice, I bought 10%. However, we operated as 50/50 partners and I was happy to do this as I felt it was important that the centre work well, efficiently, and in a way that was consistent with my values when it came to ethics and professionalism. Through a lot of work, we achieved this. When we took over, we hired a new, young, educational psychologist who was dynamic and excited and had energy that perhaps we had run out of. She was great.
Some time passes and my partners third child was turning 2 and was less dependent than she had been in the past, and her marriage was in a very bad place. I was starting fertility treatment quite seriously….I think I had my first IUI around this time. Long story short, she and the new educational psychologist became best buddies and started partying together rather seriously, even going on holiday together. I was in a very different place and preferred to come home to my husband…still do. About the middle of last year, coinciding with my first cancelled IVF cycle and a very dark space emotionally for me, I started realising that although I was maintaining my client load (with a LOT of effort), I was not being a very good business partner as a result of low energy levels and mental and emotional preoccupation. As a result, I suggested that we ask this youngster if she would like to buy some shares in the business and take on more responsibility in order to help my parnter, which she did. Happy days.
In November last year, in the midst of my last IVF and subsequent miscarriage, my partner found a piece of property that she fell in love with and decided this would be an amazing opportunity to open a SECOND centre. Her father offered to buy the property and we would then run another practice as an extension to our existing practice. I expressed my reservations about my own ability to ‘nurture’ another ‘baby’ at this point, but my two partners were very gung ho and so we went for it. I will be completely honest and say that I have had very little involvement in the setting up of the new practice. I have participated in the interviews of some of the new staff, but that is about it (Oh, and I have put in a large sum of money for set up costs…. no small achievement for my husband and I, who have to work for every cent we earn and who have as yet undefined costs of falling pregnant).
But, there has been building resentment from my partner and it has come to a head in the last couple of weeks. It started with me opening a new practice from my home in January. I live in a big city and am frequently stuck in terrible traffic to get home. I am not a big town girl, I grew up in a small town, and I find this soul destroying. It’s also something I do not want for my kids – I see too many children professionally who are neglected by career-oriented, high flying parents and I DO NOT want this for my children. I simply did not grow up in a value system where money, or career, was more important than people and I am so grateful for this. My ultimate dream is that I have a small practice from home and that I keep my financial interest in the Centre but do not actually practice from there, because it is too far away (and no, we cannot move closer – my husband already drives 140km in the other direction and I will not ask him to do more). I have been very transparent about this and have voiced it for over a year now.
In January, finally off IVF meds, I got the energy to actually buy the furniture, set the room up and start advertising my practice WHILST making it very clear that I would continue practicing at the Centre for at least the next year. Well, lets say that I opened up a can of worms which culminated in a meeting with my partner today.
So basically, she feels hurt. Very hurt. Very, very extremely, hurt. She feels that I have let her down, left her on her own, have neglected by responsibilities, have make excuses for neglecting my responsibilities and have shown zero interest in the business (she neglects to consider the fact that I am the highest earner and MAINTAINED this despite the fact that my soul was literally breaking).
I never wrote about it, but in April last year I totally messed up in terms of meeting up with my best friend. I went to my home town for the birth of my niece, just after my last IUI had failed and we were facing IVF…. I was supposed to meet up with my best friend but in the chaos of everything, trying to be there for my sister who was a single (and first time) mom, and all my terribly mixed up feelings and basically just trying to keep my head above water, I let her down… I totally own it…I was a shit friend. But it was the first time in about 20 years and there were extenuating circumstances. Anyway, she was offish for a couple of moths until I asked if we were OK and she said no and I explained and now we are all good. But seriously!
Excuse my language but what the fuck do people want? I am SOOOOOOO over friends right now. I feel like the only people I can trust are my husband and family and truthfully, I don’t give a shit right now about how these other people are feeling. I am angry, resentful and sick and tired of demanding people who claim they understand and are supportive but actually, are only interested in themselves. And that’s it. I guess this was a vent and there really is no other point. I weigh 15 kg’s more than I did when I started this journey, I don’t even look like myself anymore and I feel like so much else has changed and I don’t think it will ever go back to ‘normal’. I thank god for my beautiful family who try SO hard to understand where I am coming from, and for my amazing husband who greeted me today with a bear hug and allowed me to have a big cry with no words. But friends? I might just be done with them.