For the first time in 3 years my husband broke down. We had gone to lunch with an old friend of mine who is younger than me and lives overseas.
We hadn’t seen her since her wedding three years ago (where I didn’t drink as we had just had an IUI and we were still hopeful we would be pregnant). She is now 26 weeks pregnant and just the loveliest vision of a beautifully fecund lady. I enjoyed our visit but they left before we did and I was aware of a sigh of relief at having endured something difficult. All of a sudden a well of emotion opened up in front of us and we were swept into it rather unawares… Anger and frustration with eachother without knowing why. A latent sadness and disappointment at our own situation. So many confused feelings. My husband turned on me in anger. Unjustified, unfair, unreasonable but raw. Ending in tears and apologies…’I didn’t mean to be angry, he said, it just hurts so much’.
I get it, I feel the same.
We have to call it one day. To make a decision that will end this phase of our lives. We can’t live like this forever. One day we need to awaken to a new reality where life feels different. We have no idea where to start, what this means or how it will evolve. Time will tell.