My skin is raw… Proceed with caution.

I feel paranoid, verging on the brink of sanity.

I realise how dramatic this sounds. I am extremely in touch with reality and therefore unlikely to actually lose the plot, but I am definitively losing perspective.

Context in a nutshell:

1. I always thought my purpose here on earth was to be a mom
2. When it looked like I couldn’t be a biological mom, I transitioned to donor eggs
3. I miscarried even with donor eggs
4. My husband doesn’t think he can adopt
5. I would happily adopt and cannot fathom a life without children
6. So? Am I a wife or a mother or one of the above or both or neither?

And this is where I hover on the brink. And everything feels raw. ‘NORMAL’ comments feel like personal attacks. My dad tells me how my niece only wants my sister when she is sick and I feel utterly wounded. I want to scream and shout and I feel he ought to know not to say things like that to me. I feel like everyone should see the utterly enormous gaping wound and walk on tippy toes around my pain. Nothing feels normal and I don’t even have the energy to pretend anymore. And yet I also don’t want to be treated differently and I know that life has to go on. There has to be some kind of ‘normal’. Which is confusing for me, let alone anyone actually trying to be in a relationship with me right now. My mother-in-law laughs and regales us with stories about my niece who cried watching the movie Home because she just loves her mommy so much, and I feel utterly devastated. I want to have the grace and the generosity to NOT continually think, but what about mmmmeeeeeee??????? Why not mmmeeeeeee????????

But I can’t right now. I know this is not fair to those people around me. Where normally I would therefore try and adjust myself I don’t have the willpower right now… I’d rather just remove myself. In miscarrying from donor eggs I feel like I’ve lost my lifeline. I don’t know what will come next, I hope it’s not a choice between mothering or my marriage. That is utterly terrifying. And so this feels like a life crisis. Who am I? What am I? When will this end?

I’m a psychologist. I know what this is. It’s depression, clearly. I go to therapy and take anti depressants, I try to do what needs to be done. I will seek a second opinion on my medication and see if there is anything better. But I also know that it is grief. And therefore it is normal. Fucking debilitating at times, but normal. And I’m done pretending. I’m not a mommy, I feel like a loser with a capital ‘L’, I’m heartbroken, I’m angry, grumpy, I’m pissed off and very, very confused. Proceed with caution.