Impatiently waiting…written 5 December.

5 weeks and 4 days today and I’m convinced that my breasts are a little less sensitive than yesterday. I keep prodding them and trying to conjur up the sensation of yesterday in a desperate attempt at comparison. I’m almost tempted to Google. 

And this friends, is the craziness and torture of very early pregnancy after loss. In our last pregnancy I had heavy bleeding at 5 weeks 3 days. I was anxious the whole day yesterday and checked my underwear a  million times. I know this is not rational and that the odds of things recurring on the same day are basically zero but I guess that is what trauma does to you…it skews your thinking, creates emotional triggers and hypervigilance. Having  got through the day unscathed I feel a sense of foreboding… surely we can’t be so lucky? When will the next hammer fall? How will it happen this time? 

10 more sleeps until our first scan at 7 weeks exactly. Sadly, even if everything is 100% on track at that point there will still be anxiety as last pregnancy we saw a great healthy heart beat at 7 weeks and then the next week…nothing. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a different pregnancy and that we are doing things very differently to sustain it. Please may the next ten days fly by!


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