Dreaming…written 29 November.

Today I have been feeling optimistic. We’re doing things so differently this pregnancy: we’re using clexane and intrallipid infusions; I know about my mthfr mutations and so am on the right supplements and I have cleansed my body of mercury which could have had a detrimental impact on a developing baby. We know so much more than we did during our last two pregnancies and I hope and pray that this is what we need in order to actually carry a pregnancy to term. 

In my optimism I’ve done some dreaming. I didn’t think I would do this as I have lost so much faith in happy outcomes, but I couldn’t help myself. I know this means that if everything crashes I’ll probably fall even harder… but then I think, what if it doesn’t crash? I want to enjoy this pregnancy and I defininitely don’t want to spend it feeling anxious and scared. 

So I downloaded a pregnancy app. It says that I am 4 weeks 5 days pregnant and the baby is the size of a poppy seed. I also did some browsing of nursery furniture online. Years ago my sister in law very generously gave us her used cot and compactum.  It’s very nice but not what I would choose for myself. It’s also been sitting in our garage for years and somehow feels cursed. But mostly, after all these years I really want to enjoy every aspect of pregnancy, including choosing my own style of nursery furniture. I found a gorgeous eco friendly cot made out of bamboo, that also converts into a toddler bed once the baby outgrows the cot. It’s simple and modern and elegant. I also looked at some beautiful linen and I have some fun ideas in mind. It was so much fun to dream and to imagine finally having a baby.

I also downloaded this, which is very useful…

I can’t belive we could be out of the first trimester by the end of January and I’m hoping that the holidays helps these early weeks pass more quickly. I know this dreaming is dangerous but I figure it’s not going to affect the outcome and instead of bathing my developing baby in cortisol and adrenaline (stress hormones), it will provide a better environment for the fragile nervous system that is busy growing. We’re having a third beta done tomorrow, another intrallipid infusion on Thursday and the first scan is booked for 15 December. Grow baby grow!

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Trying to regain confidence in my body

When I miscarried in July last year (for the second time, with donor eggs, after seeing the heartbeat of what turned out to be a chromosomally normal boy), I wanted to start trying again almost immediately. I remember emailing my specialist and asking him how soon I could try again. He very wisely suggested allowing a bit of time for emotional healing. So I headed his advise. In my mind I thought we would try again in February…  You know, get over Christmas, allow some time for getting back into the swing of things and then get back on the (in) fertility train.

But the more time that passed the more utterly terrified and UNready I became. What if I miscarry again? I don’t know if my heart and soul can cope with that. And so I needed the next attempt to be very different and I needed to build confidence in my body again. To that end I have been pursuing a few different paths.

In about October last year I went to see a homeopathic doctor who specialises in fertility issues. My goal was to help my body be more balanced and healthy hormonally. When I went to her I was very fatigued, depressed, low in energy and my hormones were all over the show. Thanks to years of treatment I have put on 10kg’s and so I was also (and still am), fat. My goal was simply to balance my hormones and to feel more energetic and ‘normal’. Through talking with her I also realised that I would have a much greater chance of sustaining a pregnancy if my natural progesterone levels could be more normal to begin with. At the time I went to her, my fsh was low, estrogen very high and progesterone very low. My amh was 1.05. I was having 50 day cycles. She’s had me on Chinese herbs with acupuncture every two weeks and my recent blood results are NORMAL!

Normal estrogen, progesterone, fsh, a 30 day cycle and my amh has increased to 1.4. So this is amazing and I am thrilled. Of course I have fantasies of a miracle natural pregnancy, but I know that is unlikely. However, just being termed NORMAL for the first time has been amazing. I also have much better energy and my mood has improved a lot.

During this time I have also been doing a lot of reading and came to the conclusion that I most likely have a MTHFR gene mutation. I asked the homeopath to test me and so we ran some genetic tests. My instinct proved correct and I am homogenous for the MTHFR gene. I have moved onto different vitamins, folate instead of folic acid, avoiding any fortified foods and we’ve gone totally organic in our home and are doing the best with food (it’s just quite expensive to go totally food organic). I have been growing some of my own food as well which has helped.

Following on from my reading around MTHFR, I started reading about mercury poisoning in relation to amalgam fillings. My mouth has been a problem my entire life and definitely a story for another day. Regardless, I decided to have my mercury levels tested and they are waayyy high. So, later this month I will be starting a process of replacing all my fillings and then chelating the Mercury out of my body.

Needless to say, had I been pregnanct with mercury poisoning and an inability to absorb folic acid, my babies would have been at risk for all sorts of complications. I am sad that we didn’t find this all out sooner, but I am grateful that we have discovered it eventually.

The whole mercury issue will probably take about 6 months to resolve and in the meantime it is not recommended that I fall pregnant. So, my February start has been pushed back and will most likely be an October /November start. I’m ok with this. I want the best possible chance of a healthy pregnancy and if it takes a few more months… So be it. In the meantime I am going to use the time to try and lose some weight and continue with my Chinese herbs and acupuncture in order to keep my hormones nicely balanced. And then we shall see… Maybe we will use our remaining donor eggs, maybe we will try one more ivf cycle with my own eggs… Or maybe by some small miracle we won’t need to. We will have to wait and see… Something I have become somewhat of an expert at doing!