A little while ago I wrote about a missed opportunity where I chose to go to sleep, rather than try and make a baby with my husband when I realized that there was a miraculous possibility that I was ovulating. I sat with this decision for quite a while, as it surprised me… I will/ have done absolutely everything to have a child, so why on earth would I give up on an opportunity like that? It seemed a bit crazy to me.
On reflection, I realized that there were perhaps several reasons why I made that choice (even though I was unaware of them at the time). Firstly, it would mean that if it worked, I would be newly pregnant at my sisters wedding, which was this past weekend in my hometown. Whilst for some this might seem like no big deal, for me, being newly pregnant has been fraught with excruciating anxiety and a lot of medical monitoring. So, traveling to and moreover, enjoying my sisters wedding, would have been very difficult. In many ways I have become so weary of the multiple ways in which infertility has caused my life to ‘pause’ or be in limbo and when it came to my sisters wedding, I simply wanted to move forward and enjoy it. Secondly, I realized that I was simply not emotionally ready to deal with a tww, especially one where I would have no optimism or hope that it would actually work. The last two years of two week waits have really taken it out of me, and I feel like I can only go into another one when circumstances, or in our case, eggs, are different.
So I realized that my decision was not actually as crazy as it may have seemed at first and that I am absolutely ready for egg donation. I also realized that I have no desire to try anymore with my own eggs. In fact, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I feel slightly traumatized at the thought of trying again with my own eggs. I don’t want to anymore. And so I didn’t, I rolled over and went to sleep when I could have tried to make a baby. And I’m ok with that. Our donor goes for screening next week and I’m getting excited.