My skin is raw… Proceed with caution.

I feel paranoid, verging on the brink of sanity.

I realise how dramatic this sounds. I am extremely in touch with reality and therefore unlikely to actually lose the plot, but I am definitively losing perspective.

Context in a nutshell:

1. I always thought my purpose here on earth was to be a mom
2. When it looked like I couldn’t be a biological mom, I transitioned to donor eggs
3. I miscarried even with donor eggs
4. My husband doesn’t think he can adopt
5. I would happily adopt and cannot fathom a life without children
6. So? Am I a wife or a mother or one of the above or both or neither?

And this is where I hover on the brink. And everything feels raw. ‘NORMAL’ comments feel like personal attacks. My dad tells me how my niece only wants my sister when she is sick and I feel utterly wounded. I want to scream and shout and I feel he ought to know not to say things like that to me. I feel like everyone should see the utterly enormous gaping wound and walk on tippy toes around my pain. Nothing feels normal and I don’t even have the energy to pretend anymore. And yet I also don’t want to be treated differently and I know that life has to go on. There has to be some kind of ‘normal’. Which is confusing for me, let alone anyone actually trying to be in a relationship with me right now. My mother-in-law laughs and regales us with stories about my niece who cried watching the movie Home because she just loves her mommy so much, and I feel utterly devastated. I want to have the grace and the generosity to NOT continually think, but what about mmmmeeeeeee??????? Why not mmmeeeeeee????????

But I can’t right now. I know this is not fair to those people around me. Where normally I would therefore try and adjust myself I don’t have the willpower right now… I’d rather just remove myself. In miscarrying from donor eggs I feel like I’ve lost my lifeline. I don’t know what will come next, I hope it’s not a choice between mothering or my marriage. That is utterly terrifying. And so this feels like a life crisis. Who am I? What am I? When will this end?

I’m a psychologist. I know what this is. It’s depression, clearly. I go to therapy and take anti depressants, I try to do what needs to be done. I will seek a second opinion on my medication and see if there is anything better. But I also know that it is grief. And therefore it is normal. Fucking debilitating at times, but normal. And I’m done pretending. I’m not a mommy, I feel like a loser with a capital ‘L’, I’m heartbroken, I’m angry, grumpy, I’m pissed off and very, very confused. Proceed with caution.

6 thoughts on “My skin is raw… Proceed with caution.

  1. I don’t want to blow smoke, but I had 2 failed DE cycles followed by a miscarriage before (I think) success. I know everyone’s situation is different but you have lots of frozen embryos if I remember correctly. When you are ready, I hope you can find a diagnosis for what’s going wrong and that it can be fixed. Until then, big hugs to you!!!!!!

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    • Yes, we have one frozen embryo and 16 unfertilised frozen eggs and we’ll be doing immune testing next week. I guess this is the ‘losing perspective’ part… Things feel so Dire and awful and hopeless where actually the game is not over yet.

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  2. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I’m glad that you’re recognizing your depression for what it is and treating it appropriately — although I understand that that doesn’t make it any easier. There are so many difficult situations that infertility and pregnancy loss place us in, and you’ve just hit an awful one. I’ll also tentatively echo the comment above — are you planning to try again with donor eggs? Whatever your decision, I hope that you and your husband can find a path forward to parenthood that you are both comfortable with. Hugs and best wishes.

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  3. There’s a lovely saying my FS always used to say to me, “Aanhouer wen!” and it’s true. We learn a lot in medical terms with each cycle, even a failed cycle. And every piece of information we learn helps bring us closer to success. Your doors are far from closed, you have eggs and an embryo, there is always hope.

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  4. I just want to echo previous statements about DE: don’t count yourself out so soon. I can think just off the top of my head of 2 other bloggers I follow who had 2 failed transfers and got a live baby (or two) from the 3rd round. Another miscarried a boy from her first DE transfer, normal karyotype, and went on to have a healthy baby from her 2nd transfer. Right now you are dealing with all that toxic rage and frustration (I’ve been there!) and it’s coloring everything in hopelessness. Process, breathe, and worry about next steps when you’re ready to take them, xo

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