Shew, this has been a challenging week. I have felt so incredibly tired all day long and then unable to sleep at night. This morning at 4am I received the only benefit of insomnia… An unexpected early morning cuddle with my husband. He realized I was awake and reached for me. It was so comforting. As I lay there in his arms, I allowed my mind to wander for the very first time in a long, long time, imagining what our home would be like with children in it. I imagined being awake at the same time in the morning but to breast feed a hungry child. I imagined toddlers tugging at my legs while I cook and eating together at our table as a family. I imagined the colorful and beautiful chaos that will enter our rather orderly and quiet house. It was the first time in a long time that I have imagined CHILDREN, rather than a pregnancy. And it made me miss my family, and especially the children in my family, a lot.
And it also connected me with a conversation my husband and I have had recently. We spoke about not doing ivf with my own eggs more than twice. I know to some this might be giving up early but it feels like the right decision for us. Of course, this could change with time and experience and I might cling to the hope of my own genetic children when I least expect it. But for now, I know that I could love any child as my own. I know this because I have been enormously blessed by having an adoptive sister who I adore. I have never loved her in correlation to our genetic bond, but have loved her absolutely and entirely since the day she arrived in our family (I’ll provide more context at a later stage). So I know with all of my being that my love for a child who has my husband’s genes and who grew in my belly, would be total and absolute.
And I need to move on from this infertile time of my life. I feel like there is so much more waiting for us around the corner and either it will be with our own, joint, genetic children or it will be with my husbands. Either way, they will be adored and we can move into the next phase of our lives….which we are so ready for.
And this is what I have to remind myself of whenever I feel afraid of Saturdays appointment, where we will find out whether or not I have a viable shot at ivf. We will be parents and we will be ok, regardless of the outcome.