So this morning I received a birth notification from a good friend of mine. She is also a psychologist and a truly lovely person. This is her second child and she tried for a while to fall pregnant… She actually had an appointment with the clinic we are now with but as luck would have it she fell pregnant just before the first appointment and was able to cancel it. There was a photo included with the announcement and she looks so happy and her son is perfect.
I hate that this news takes me to such a miserable place, but it does. I feel so sad and then underneath that is a feeling of anger… This whole thing feels so terribly UNFAIR sometimes that I just want to scream!
On top of that I just feel so stuck. As a psychologist I know, and have witnessed, the healing properties of time. Even terrible traumas and losses get better with time. Not this though. This is one of the few things in life that gets worse and worse with time.
About this time last year I discovered that my sister was pregnant. It was a huge shock to her and to me and to our family. She was not in a stable relationship with the father and her circumstances were precarious. It was a completely unplanned pregnancy and she was terrified. I was heartbroken for her, and for me. The irony of her being pregnant and not me was not lost on anyone and the family was very supportive of both of us in the best way that they knew how. Anyway, the family rallied and she was extremely strong and proactive and her circumstances improved. Today we have a beautiful new member of our family, a little girl who has been given my beloved grandmothers name as a second name. She is such an angel. I love her to bits and my sister is in the most stable and happy place that I have seen her in a long time. The dark days of her early pregnancy have passed, there has been healing and change and now things are good again for her.
But I am still in the same place I was the day I found out that she was pregnant. This frustrates me terribly. When are things going to change? I am so utterly sick and tired of feeling this way. I am actually bored by my own self. The obvious answer is that things will change when or if I fall pregnant. But what if I don’t?? I can’t bear to feel this way indefinitely. I know only I can be the agent of change in my life but I really don’t know how to do this differently.
That’s it for today. As a reward for reading this through to the end you get to see a photo of one of my precious fur babies. His gorgeous face always makes me feel a little bit better.