So Monday was a really bad day. I had to wait 3 hours to see the nurse after the doctor told me he was canceling our cycle, during which time I popped to the bathroom several times to have a cry. My husband and I assumed it would be a routine appointment and so it was the first appointment he did not come to and it was really awful being there on my own. He was wonderful though and told his work that there was a crisis at home and he needed to work from home for the day, so by the time I got home he was already there. He is a full blown workaholic, so this was an awesome gesture from him and I really felt like a priority. Our families were wonderful too and we both felt very loved and cared for. We spent the day talking and sleeping and eventually took our dog for a nice walk… Our puppy thought Christmas had come early to have both of us home all day and on top of that to have both of us take him for a walk on a school day… At least someone in our household had a good day!
Anyway, by yesterday morning it was time to pick ourselves up and start moving forward again. I have decided to start taking DHEA. I have read a lot about it but there is some controversy regarding it’s efficacy, and in South Africa there is a problem with it’s registration and so it is hard to source. However, I am fortunate to live in Johannesburg where you can get almost anything and so I now have two months worth of DHEA in my bedside table. I figure we have nothing to lose by trying.
I have also thought more about donor eggs. Although my husband doesn’t like me talking about it too much as he feels I should focus on being optimistic about our next cycle, it helps me to know that there are options after our next, ‘end of the road’ cycle. The truth is, we have not received good news in two years, and so my optimism around falling pregnant myself is starting to wane.
So my thoughts are as follows….I said in a previous post that I know we will be ok, whatever happens, and I still know this to be true. The big picture is all good. The problem is in the detail. Whilst I can project to the bigger picture of my husband and I with our donor egg babies, and know we will be 100% happy, it is the journey to getting there that troubles me. I guess I am inpatient now. If we have to use donor eggs, great, let’s do it. Let’s do it tomorrow and then in nine months time I’ll have a beautiful baby. Right? Wrong. It’s not that simple dammit. There’s so much waiting to be done before we can get there and even then, there is a 50% success rate per cycle and so there are no guarantees. Our doctor fully believes we should try the estrogen priming cycle at least once to see if we get a good response and to ensure that we have no regrets before moving on to donor eggs. And I agree with him intellectually. But emotionally, I am so tired of disappointment and I just want something, anything, to work.
Also, the one thing that makes me feel funny about donor eggs is the thought of the donor egg and my husbands sperm coming together in the lab to create an embryo. It’s odd, cause I have no problem with the embryo being implanted and growing inside of me (in fact I am so enormously grateful that we have this option and that there are wonderful, generous, beautiful women who are willing to donate their eggs), but the image of that moment when they meet in the lab and fuse…. It feels so intimate and, well, it makes me feel left out, and a bit sorry for myself… Strange hey?!