I wrote the below paragraphs as the content for my ‘About’ page (which btw I really hope I have done correctly as I am still trying to successfully navigate WordPress, being a complete WordPress/ blog, novice). Anyhow, I thought it was fitting as my first post, by way of introduction…
I am a 35 year old clinical psychologist from South Africa and have been working with children for the last ten years. I love working with children and families and have wanted my own children since I was about 15 (I’m not even kidding). I am married to a wonderful man who I know will make a great father and we are both blessed to have good and close relationships with our families. When our childen finally arrrive, they will be born into a lot of love. We are both very responsible and so waited for the ‘perfect’ time to start a family…. strong marriage, financially stable, lovely house with plenty of space…. turns out the perfect time for my body would have been about ten years ago, according to my latest doctor (cue heart break).
We have been trying to conceive for two years now. For me though, I feel like I have been childless forever and the last two years have felt incredibly long. I knew early on that there was a problem and we have been under the specialist care of a fertility clinic for 18 months now. It has been a frustrating journey which started with the diagnosis of multicystic ovaries (similar yet different to PCOS), then endometriosis (at which point I had a laperoscopy). We have had numerous medicated cycles (clomid and femara) which were successful in getting me to ovulate but did not result in pregnancy. I then developed hostile cervical mucus (apologies for disclosing too much information but that does seem to be the nature of infertility) as a side effect of the medication. One round of IUI on clomid and femara and one round of IUI with injectables were the only IUI’s that our doctor was willing to do as he felt that our chances of success with further rounds was not good. He recommended IVF. At this point we decided to get a second opinion and I was diagnosed with Diminshed Ovarian Reserve. A huge blow. After raging at the first doctor we realised that regardless of the diagnosis, both doctors are recommending the same treatment and so we have put the first clinic behind us and are having our first round of IVF in my next cycle with the doctor who diagnosed DOR.
I have felt extremely alone at many times during this journey despite having a good support system. There is something so intensely painful and isolating about infertility which is hard to express to people who have not experienced it. It is also such a looooonggg journey and I have become tired of always being in the same place (childless), and always telling my friends and family the same thing. Because of this I have been lurking in the shadows of the blogging world for a while now, finding immence comfort from realising that I am not alone. I have finally decided to take the plunge and start my own blog…. whether we fall pregnant on the first or third (or fourth or fifth….you get the picture), I know that it will be good to share the journey with others.
I initially wanted to call the blog simply, ‘between the lines’. I have never had the pleasure of a positive test, never had the joy of seeing two pink lines, be it a pregnancy test or even an OPK. I long with all my heart to see those two pink lines. In the meantime, I live in limbo between them. Between the lines also encapsulated another dynamic which is relevant to me….I spend my days reading beteeen the lines of the stories of the children and families who I work with, trying to understand what cannot be said or is too painful to express. Unfortunately ‘ between the lines’ was taken and so ‘Waiting between the lines’ was born. I hope to give birth to something a little less one dimensional sometime soon.