So in my previous post I wrote about my epiphany that I would never adopt with my husband because it would always feel like second best or settling. In my heart I know this is true – I wouldn’t want our family to be seen as less than, or something other than amazing and blessed and chosen….something that we both embrace every single day and feel grateful for. If we ever do adopt I want us to feel lucky and fortunate, rather than disappointed that our first prize didn’t work out. I spoke with my husband about it and he admitted that I am right, and that right now he would indeed feel that way – but that he doesn’t know how he would feel in the future.
I also said that I wouldn’t think about the consequences of this, because that was too scary. I said that for now I would be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand. But I lied to you and to myself. I’ve thought about it a lot and it’s scaring the living daylights out of me. Worse than that, it’s putting so much pressure on our last transfer…. I feel as though not only is this my last chance to be pregnant and carry my own child, but it could also be the deciding factor over whether or not my marriage fails or succeeds.
So I’ve decided to reach out, and to write about it, rather than keep it all inside of myself and make myself sick with worry. These are some of my thoughts:
- If he’s not prepared to adopt, that means the only option to have a child is surrogacy. Whilst this is amazing, I’m not 100% sure that I have the emotional reserves for this and I am 200% sure that I don’t want to spend so much money on it and the ensuing life limbo that, that causes.
- Is it fair for me to deny him the chance of a biological child if he can? There is absolutely nothing wrong with his sperm – he could father a flipping nation and the only reason he can’t is because he chose to love me with my crappy eggs and endometriosis and underlying immune issues and and and. Note – I do not feel guilty about this as I didn’t choose this, I’m more trying to figure out what is fair vs unfair.
- Is it fair on me? Is 4 years not long enough? In fact it’s longer than 4 years. We’ve been together ten years and after two years together we had been living together for a year and had just bought property together. I was very ready for children but he wasn’t – so I waited until he was ready. And then it didn’t happen so I waited another four years. I’m pretty tired of waiting.
- Adoption in South Africa is much more financially manageable and there is a guarantee of a baby at the end… we could be 100% assured of having a baby by next Christmas vs the fact that even surrogacy doesn’t guarantee a baby.
- What does it say about his character that he isn’t open to adoption? I’ve tried not to judge him and to understand where he is coming from, but I guess there is a small part of me that does. Does it make him unkind? Lacking in generosity? Narcissistic that he can only see himself loving an extension of himself?
- Is it fair on me that I have had to give up my genes and potentially even my ability to carry our child and yet he isn’t willing to consider adoption? I resent this.
- And then the big one. If we can’t resolve this, what does that mean for our marriage? Does it mean we will have to divorce? And then this is where I really start going down the rabbit hole… does it mean we should never have gotten married in the first place? That it wasn’t ‘meant to be’? Does it mean that the reason we haven’t been able to fall pregnant is actually because our marriage wasn’t meant to last and we weren’t meant to share children together? Does the fact that our sex life has taken such a dive mean that there is no longer passion for each other and a slow decline to a sexless marriage is inevitable and one or either of us will eventually call it?
Guys, I need help. The truth is that we have a strong marriage. We’ve held each other through immense pain over the last couple of years and have a deep love and commitment to one another. He is my absolute best friend and the person I look forward to coming home to each day. We make each other laugh and choose to spend time together over anybody else. Over and above that, the whole aim of putting everything into this next transfer is that it will be successful and all of these ‘what if’s’ will have been for nothing. I don’t want to go into our last transfer sitting with all of these anxieties. I need to claw my way out of the rabbit hole. Has anyone else had similar experiences or feelings? It would be helluva reassuring to know I’m not the only one. Even if you haven’t, please feel free to throw your two cents in – as you can tell, ANY and ALL insights or advice would be appreciated right now!