I’m still here

Following all you lovely gals. Happily most of you are pregnant and whilst this is clearly the goal…I’m no longer sure how I feel about my Blogging relationships. For the longest while it was an enormous relief to find a bunch of women in the same situation as I was in. I had felt so alone and so alienated that it was amazing to find a community of like minded women. And then time passed and most of those women are expecting or have babies and we’re…
Not.

We have chosen the egg donor route and in fact, we kick off in 3 weeks… I could be pregnant in a months time (gasp)!. And yet I feel so incredibly disconnected from the experience, and from my old blogging community…  I don’t actually know how to feel or where to situate myself. It’s all somewhat bizarre.

The strangest thing is that this is ok for me. Strange because I am usually so analytical and intense about absolutely. Everything. But after all these years, drugs, tests, weight gain, pregnancy loss….  I can’t hope too much and I have to maintain a certain distance from this. And that is fine. Not great, but fine. I will let you know how things go!

33 thoughts on “I’m still here

  1. I so get this. It wasn’t until I was on the other side that I picked up with the blogs again. Following other people’s journey seemed like a reminder how stuck I was. Now I feel like I just want to encourage anyone that it will be different one day because I kind of didn’t believe that. Will be looking forward to your good news in a few months. Xo

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  2. I’m still here too…I get it and it is hard to keep going when almost everyone on here gets pregnant….a tough road we all have to walk…but I can only hope that one day, we will see the reason why it all had to be like this…xoxo

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  3. I so get this!! Turning to adoption has completely changed our route to parenthood. At first I was so lonely with the shift, but then I remembered how lonely I was when I started my blog and I decided to start seeking out other adoption bloggers – those who have adopted, those who were adopted, those who are at the same stage as us. And it’s been really rewarding to start developing new relationships.
    I don’t want to discount the bloggers who are still in the “trenches” or who have “crossed” to the other side – I still follow every single one and encourage them in any way I can, but it seems to help me be less “left out” the more adoption stuff I see. And, I also just remind myself that I’m still one of the ones in the trenches trying to find out family, we just are doing it a bit different now that we are adopting. Anyways, maybe you could look for more donor blogs to follow and connect with?
    Sending you love and so hoping your donor egg cycle works!!

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  4. Oh, yes, I get this. I started blogging… it looks like about six months after you, and I’m already feeling the same way. It’s complicated, of course — I’m so happy for them! It gives me hope! At the same time, this used to feel like a safe space to talk about loss and infertility with people who get it and were in the same boat, and as thrilled as I am for them… they’ve boarded the cruise liner and I’m bobbing along in my dinghy watching them sail away. It’s a different sort of wistfulness than the wistfulness I see when friends and acquaintances post their uncomplicated pregnancy news on Facebook — more nuanced, less painful in some ways, and more painful in others.

    I’m still here. Much as I’d rather not be. 🙂 And I’ll understand if you need to step away (I’ve felt that way recently too), but I’ll be reading and commenting and hoping for you in the meantime.

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  5. I felt this way too, when it seemed like everyone that I had ‘started with’ was pregnant or already had their child. I basically took a break from some blogs that were more difficult to read, and then came back when I was ready. There’s nothing wrong with reducing your triggers. Here’s to hoping you get pregnant in a couple of months!

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  6. I am with you. We’ve decided to use a surrogate and while I’m ok with it it’s still so painful to not be trying to get pregnant. Good luck with your new path!

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  7. I felt the same way before we started getting into transfer mode, I was away for a couple of months and it seemed like everyone I was following was PG, I decided to search for some new people to follow and hang in there (I didn’t unfollow any of the other ladies, just stopped clicking on their posts). I hope you find what feels right for you.

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  8. Whilst I might be biologically carrying a blob right now, I can 100% relate to how you’re feeling. I met a bunch of girls on a forum, all of whom we’re trying. There’s now only two of us without babies. Some are now on their second pregnancies and others are planning theirs. All our group consists of, it seems, is pics of their babies, videos, mums asking for advice from mums, and when I say where I’m at with treatment, it’s more along the lines of ‘don’t worry, it’ll work out’, whereas before it was more ‘real’ – more empathetic. I feel hugely left out. It’s not their fault, because life has moved on for them, but it doesn’t make it easier for me. There’s one girl who is particularly aware of me and she checks up a lot and still is exactly the same as she was, so that helps. Like I say, even though I’m technically expecting, I don’t feel as though I’m really a part of it, mainly because I keep losing babies so I’m always sent back to square one, and it’s painful! This is why I came over to blogging because it was new people, a wider experience. I know we’re in slightly different situations but please know you’re not alone and people still care 🙂 x

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  9. I felt a little like this right through the last cycle of IVF. It’s that horrible feeling of being left behind, isn’t it. I’m so sorry. I know when I felt like that, I took a break from a few bloggers who were happily (and loudly) pregnant, and I think that is just fine. If it’s not giving you the same comfort, shed it.
    That is great news about your egg donor – I hope it all goes smoothly. I reckon as you get into it, you’ll start feeling a bit more involved and excited 🙂 Really look forward to reading up on how you’re getting on x

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