So tomorrow is D-day. With every other cycle I have ever had, including all our IUI’s, I have been very pessimistic and have known in my body that the result would be negative. But this time is different. I saw the embryos, I knew conception had taken place. With the progesterone I have felt different physically, tricking me into feeling even more positive. I guess that isn’t a bad thing… There has been so little positivity in this journey of ours and if I have spent the last 12 days in a slightly happy bubble, imagining and dreaming (twice), that we got a positive result, isn’t that better than the opposite? I hope so. I don’t think it will make a negative result tomorrow any more or less devastating. But I still hope for a positive result tomorrow and I am determined to be positive tonight.
Nevertheless I have prepared for both scenarios. I have planned and bought dinner, easy peesy lamb chops and salad so that I don’t have to go shopping. I have bought non alcoholic AND alcoholic champagne. I have warned my secretary that I might cancel clients in the event of a negative result. I have paid my maid and gardener (to all my USA/ UK blogging ladies, this does not mean I am ultra wealthy, just that in SA there is such high unemployment that these positions are affordable to the common person like myself), because I know I might forget to draw their money if I am in a funk and it is month end. I bought an expensive home pregnancy test, have read the instructions and have left a pee cup next to the toilet. I took my puppy for a walk today just incase I am horribly down and can’t do it for the next couple of days. Guys… Can you see the pathology creeping in? There’s being organized and then there’s this… What seems to be a very desperate attempt to control things and mediate the damage as much as possible.
Anyway, that’s a worry for another day. Time to cook dinner, watch some tv and then Go. To. Sleep.