Ms Grumps is my new name for myself on those days when I hold a pity party for myself. At my worst, this lasted a few weeks and occurred when our last chance at IUI failed and I had to accept that IVF and even possibly egg donation were our next options. At the moment, the pity party is mostly on hold and I have lots of good days… But believe me, I can go into pity party mode at the drop of a hat.
Yesterday was a good example of how a small trigger can snowball into a full blown, irritable, grumpy, pity party.
It started off with a whatsapp chat between myself and a person very dear to me. She is wonderful in so many ways and tries her best to be supportive. But she can sometimes get it so wrong. Our conversation related to falling pregnant and knowing our bodies….
Me: Well I know a lot about my body now, but if I had understood how things were working earlier I would have been more empowered!
Dear person: Absolutely x you are being healed
Me: Without sounding negative, I am not being healed at all… Just having to spend a fortune and take loads and loads of drugs to get things right enough to fall pregnant. That’s why I feel so strongly about knowing your body and knowing what’s going on as soon as possible!
Dear person: I shall believe you are being healed x
Me (in my head): huhhhhh????HEALING??? What freaking healing? Nothing is getting better, the more time that passes the worse things get. My ovarian reserves are diminishing at an alarming pace, there is no way of reversing it. The only thing that we got out of our abortive first attempt at IVF was the opportunity to throw thousands of rands down the toilet and I gained (another!!) 3 kilograms. So no, there is no f-ing healing going on around here thank you very much.
Me (in reality): changed the subject
As you can see, this just infuriated me. It has been so painful to accept our diagnosis and to be more or less ok with the road we have to travel. Living in Lala land is not helpful to me, despite knowing that it came from a loving and well intentioned place.
And from there the pity party went into full swing, gathering misery and company along the way. Over the course of the day it included, being sick and tired of being tired all the time and having no energy to exercise like I used to, the traffic, my business partners, my weight gain, my car that is making awful noises, my tax bill, not being able to make any financial decisions such as doing a few things round the house or going on holiday because we have no idea how many rounds of IVF we will need, our cuckoo clock, the dinner I cooked…. And and and!!
As my mom so rightly said to me “Time to close off today and consign it to history”. So that’s what I did. I took half a sleeping tablet and thankfully had a good nights sleep. But this morning I woke up with a slight headache and the nagging irritability is still there.
I think the real issue is not any of the things that were irritating me yesterday. The real issue is that I am really scared of what the future holds. Not the big picture future, the more immediate future. Will our next drug protocol work or will it be cancelled again? Will we get any viable embryos? If we don’t, how soon will we move to donor eggs? How many rounds will we have to do before we are successful. So many unknowns. Also, I am tired. I am so deeply weary of these issues. I feel like I need a break from my life… A few weeks where my husband and I can just be removed from our reality. But we can’t… We take ourselves wherever we go and so I just have to Iearn how to ride through these bad days and find a way to fight the fear when it grips me.
This time, as a prize for reading through to the end of such a miserable post, you get to see a picture of my gorgeous niece. My sister sends me a photo every day and it always lifts my spirits. Here she is….